i feel so empty these past few days. im not excited, not worried, not tired, not sad, not happy either, i feel nothing. im learning how to shrug my feelings off and im becoming a really really cold person. when you are in the customer service industry, your main job description is listening to people cursing at you, or giving directions to really really stupid people who cant follow simple instructions and blaming you instead for your lack of product-knowledge. these things usually piss me off, but these days ive been so emotionless, you can hear me saying that im sorry, for the sake of call flow, without hearing a hint in my voice that i really am sorry. there was this one caller (i cant believe im doing this! talking about my call in my blog! i cant think of any other example!) who goes on and on about the story of her life, telling me how bad the economy is right now, how she lost her job, long story short, how her life sucks and she cant pay her bills and if we can lower her interest rate on her credit card. ive told her countless times how sorry i am for her and how sorry i am that we cant do what she wants, i dont know, it must be the sound of my voice or by how i said it that she eventually gave up and hung up after sighing and telling me that i just dont care at all. and i totally agree with her, i dont care!
but this is not just about my job, this is about the person who used to be me. i used to be that person who feels so nostalgic about almost everything, home, school, friends and all the crazy things i used to do. i even used to do my groceries with so much nostalgia (crazy? i know!), remembering the times when i was still young and my aunt would usually take me to the grocery store after school still in my silly uniform. i used to eat my all-meat-meal while reminiscing the times when i complain a lot at home for having fish and vegetables for dinner most of the times. i used to drink my milk thinking about how my mom caught me throwing the milk outside of our window because she's forcing me drink it up or else i cant go to school during my elementary years. i used to watch tv missing the times when i cant even watch my favorite shows because my cousins will always take control of the tv and we will end up yelling at each other and me pouting my lips, storming out of the living room. i used to go to church thinking about what it was like spending sundays with my family after church, eating kakanin for breakfast, go malling or watch a movie afterwards, eat at jollibee for lunch with the kids, watch the showbiz news in the afternoon and have a really really good grilled dishes for dinner. im a person who gets homesick a whole lot! but now? i dont know how i become this kind of person who can just shrug off her homesickness. whenever something reminds me of home, my mind automatically responds... 'oh well!' or 'whatever!' or 'yeah right!' and then, ill just shrug my shoulders and that's it, i dont get homesick anymore.
more so, didnt i tell you countless times in this blog how much i love school? well, i still love school. but i dont miss school that much anymore. whenever im in a jeepney, i used to stare a lot and observe these students in their uniforms because they're just so fun to look at. or when im at a bookstore, i used to go to the notebooks section choosing and thinking how nice it is to buy these notebooks if im still studying. or when im in mcdonald's, i used to envy these group of people studying specially those overnighters who have tons of books and papers and who seemed to be so preoccupied with their upcoming exams. or whenever i see my thick maroon hard bound law books in the shelf, i used to wonder what my life would be like if i am still in law school right now. and whenever i drink coffee, i used to remember the days when im taking too much caffeine and only have 4 hours of sleep on weekdays except for examination weeks, because i can endure 48 hours of no sleep. im a certified crammer, so i have never gone mental block before though my head is literally floating while taking the exams due to lack of sleep. i used to miss these things, i used to say that i would give up everything i have right now in a heartbeat if i can just go back to school and be a full time student again but now it surprises me because i can already say it out loud that its a good thing that im no longer in school, and when someone asks me about my dreams to become a lawyer, i can immediately explain that being a lawyer is not my dream profession anymore though i still want to finnish law school if given a chance because i enjoy it not because i want to be a lawyer.
i also used to be that person who almost doesnt know how to move on with her social life, that's why i used to hate major life changes. when i left my hometown to go to college, it took me years before i finally stop bugging my high school friends. they're the only one i can really talk to ( through phone or letters) and God knows how many times i go home in 1 semester during my first year and for the record i studied really far from home it was 12 hours away from home! i was in my 3rd year college when i finally moved on and got really close to my college friends... too close that it made me wish that i will never graduate from college, too close that it made me cry during the graduation and too close again to move on. during my 1st year here in cebu, i was such a geek, i dont go out with my officemates.... im still so attached to my college friends, some of them are here in cebu as well and for those who are not, i never stopped convincing them to come to cebu and work here instead. after some time, i got really close to my team mates. i eat everywhere they eat, i go everywhere they go, to the point of having to borrow some money just so i can come to our outings. but when i started to go back to school, my social life literally came to a halt, i got so buzy that i didnt even notice that i already have a new team. i didnt even care who my team mates were, i still go to our obligatory team dinners of course, but thats it. my life in school on the other hand is purely academics, i dont go out that much with my classmates, though we have occasional dinners at times, specially after a tough exam. i was too preoccupied with my studies that it became too easy for me to let go when i finally decided to resign. so when i went back here in cebu last january, i was a full time student for a couple of weeks. but i cant go on like that because i need a job to pay my rent and my tuition fees. by the end of january, i finally got a new job and when the school year ended by march, i decided not to go back to school by june. i was surprised by myself that i never had a hard time letting go again.
but this is not just about my job, this is about the person who used to be me. i used to be that person who feels so nostalgic about almost everything, home, school, friends and all the crazy things i used to do. i even used to do my groceries with so much nostalgia (crazy? i know!), remembering the times when i was still young and my aunt would usually take me to the grocery store after school still in my silly uniform. i used to eat my all-meat-meal while reminiscing the times when i complain a lot at home for having fish and vegetables for dinner most of the times. i used to drink my milk thinking about how my mom caught me throwing the milk outside of our window because she's forcing me drink it up or else i cant go to school during my elementary years. i used to watch tv missing the times when i cant even watch my favorite shows because my cousins will always take control of the tv and we will end up yelling at each other and me pouting my lips, storming out of the living room. i used to go to church thinking about what it was like spending sundays with my family after church, eating kakanin for breakfast, go malling or watch a movie afterwards, eat at jollibee for lunch with the kids, watch the showbiz news in the afternoon and have a really really good grilled dishes for dinner. im a person who gets homesick a whole lot! but now? i dont know how i become this kind of person who can just shrug off her homesickness. whenever something reminds me of home, my mind automatically responds... 'oh well!' or 'whatever!' or 'yeah right!' and then, ill just shrug my shoulders and that's it, i dont get homesick anymore.
more so, didnt i tell you countless times in this blog how much i love school? well, i still love school. but i dont miss school that much anymore. whenever im in a jeepney, i used to stare a lot and observe these students in their uniforms because they're just so fun to look at. or when im at a bookstore, i used to go to the notebooks section choosing and thinking how nice it is to buy these notebooks if im still studying. or when im in mcdonald's, i used to envy these group of people studying specially those overnighters who have tons of books and papers and who seemed to be so preoccupied with their upcoming exams. or whenever i see my thick maroon hard bound law books in the shelf, i used to wonder what my life would be like if i am still in law school right now. and whenever i drink coffee, i used to remember the days when im taking too much caffeine and only have 4 hours of sleep on weekdays except for examination weeks, because i can endure 48 hours of no sleep. im a certified crammer, so i have never gone mental block before though my head is literally floating while taking the exams due to lack of sleep. i used to miss these things, i used to say that i would give up everything i have right now in a heartbeat if i can just go back to school and be a full time student again but now it surprises me because i can already say it out loud that its a good thing that im no longer in school, and when someone asks me about my dreams to become a lawyer, i can immediately explain that being a lawyer is not my dream profession anymore though i still want to finnish law school if given a chance because i enjoy it not because i want to be a lawyer.
i also used to be that person who almost doesnt know how to move on with her social life, that's why i used to hate major life changes. when i left my hometown to go to college, it took me years before i finally stop bugging my high school friends. they're the only one i can really talk to ( through phone or letters) and God knows how many times i go home in 1 semester during my first year and for the record i studied really far from home it was 12 hours away from home! i was in my 3rd year college when i finally moved on and got really close to my college friends... too close that it made me wish that i will never graduate from college, too close that it made me cry during the graduation and too close again to move on. during my 1st year here in cebu, i was such a geek, i dont go out with my officemates.... im still so attached to my college friends, some of them are here in cebu as well and for those who are not, i never stopped convincing them to come to cebu and work here instead. after some time, i got really close to my team mates. i eat everywhere they eat, i go everywhere they go, to the point of having to borrow some money just so i can come to our outings. but when i started to go back to school, my social life literally came to a halt, i got so buzy that i didnt even notice that i already have a new team. i didnt even care who my team mates were, i still go to our obligatory team dinners of course, but thats it. my life in school on the other hand is purely academics, i dont go out that much with my classmates, though we have occasional dinners at times, specially after a tough exam. i was too preoccupied with my studies that it became too easy for me to let go when i finally decided to resign. so when i went back here in cebu last january, i was a full time student for a couple of weeks. but i cant go on like that because i need a job to pay my rent and my tuition fees. by the end of january, i finally got a new job and when the school year ended by march, i decided not to go back to school by june. i was surprised by myself that i never had a hard time letting go again.
im becoming really indifferent and im beginning to adapt this come-what-may kind of mentality. im not a worry-freak anymore which can either be good or bad... i dont know. im becoming self-sufficient which is really not good. im too confident that my life is running so smooth, that i have nothing to worry about and that all my plans are already laid out. i just have nothing in my mind, i feel nothing, so much nothingness that it bothers me. i cant control the changes in my personality. so, maybe im no longer the same person that i used to be, when i realized this, i tried and i swear that i really did, but i find it hard to be that same person. maybe i did a really good job of suppressing my good memories, because i find it hard to reminisce anymore and be nostalgic like i used to be when i think about my past.
No comments:
Post a Comment