LIFE CAN BE DECEIVING

as ive said before, life is not easy, sometimes it isnt turning out as we planned or its turning out too much as we planned. mine? its turning out too much as i planned. am i terrible person? shouldnt i be happy, that im slowly achieving my goals? yet im not! i cant be contented! as of this point, i dont even know what i really want anymore... im not giving up law school because i cant deal with the pressure anymore, or with my old lame reason that im too fed up and for the record im done with my first year with no failing grades! its just that im not sure anymore if i still want this! no one in my family has ever influenced the decisions i make for myself, i was the one who was pressuring my ownself.

dont get me wrong, i love law school, i enjoyed every bit of struggle that ive been through because i love learning... learning has always been my passion. but im trying to imagine my life as a lawyer someday, the first thing that comes to my mind is.... defending a client in a courtroom (too fancy!).... i was faced into the reality that its not like in movies, in our country, it will take years before the case will be resolved and they say that litigation is not good! so why the fuzz of even getting your client into the courtroom! as much as possible try settlement first! they say that litigation will just worsen the conflict between the parties, litigation will just break you and your client's relationship! so definitely not litigation for me! now what? notary lawyer? no way! definitely not a kind of job i dreamed of! corporate lawyer? nahhh... not interested! advocate lawyer? im not good at it, though it can really be fulfilling but no! so now, im not sure if being a lawyer is what i really want. i didnt go to law school just for fun, without dreaming of really becoming a lawyer. again i love learning but i dont have to put my self through all of that if i dont intend to accomplish the purpose of it all, which is passing the bar and becoming a lawyer. and one thing more, im not scared or anything that i might flunk some of my subjects, that i might not pass the bar or whatever it is that i should be afraid of because i definitely know that i can make it if i just have enough faith in myself and of course God.

the thing is, im beginning to realize that this might not be the thing i really want anymore. change is inevitable, its normal, so what if there's a sudden change of heart. why the hell am i explaining this in thorough detail? nothing really, im just defending me to my own self, im arguing with my own self and im trying to rationalize the decisions im about to make. right now, lets just say im still at 80% sure that im not going back to law school anymore. i have to admit that its not just about not wanting to become a lawyer anymore that made me do this, im tired ok! im tired and im just tired! but i can definitely deal with that if i really still want to. i need a very good reason for me to continue with this career. i just suddenly realized that its really not the profession i dreamed of, but its a good thing that i tried to pursue this career or else i wouldnt have realized that its not what i want after all and i would still continue to dream about it up to now. i dont know, perhaps after learning some of the details, i cant look at it the same i do way before... the profession i mean. we learn all the theories in school, we know the law and it has always been there, yet obviously we dont live up to what we learn, because if we do, why is there's so much injustice! why? because everyone wants to get rich! i once dreamt that i will be the one who will make a difference someday... the problem when you are faced into the reality is you stop being this idealistic person and you suddenly become a cynic! is that what i am right now? i dont know... sometimes i just want to give up everything! or maybe this is just what i feel while im writing this today, who knows, my world may change again tomorrow.

i have different plans for now, i want to explore more, i want to discover what more i can do. i want another challenge, i want to take another risk and i want to get out of cebu! whatever and wherever i may be, one thing is for sure, i will never stop learning.... because if there's one thing i would do for the rest of my life that would be learning. it never bores me, it always amazes me. im not decided yet though, im still confused on what my next steps are but hopefully i will be responsible enough to know which path to follow.